Monday, December 8, 2008

Twilight...wow...really? I'm posting about this?

PART I
OK so everyone else is posting about Twilight and I decided it was time that I had to do something and let the world know what I thought! Since my thoughts are so many, I must divide these posts. This post I will talk about the first book since it doesn't get me quite as angry as talking about "New Moon." So, here goes....

First off, the book was kind of boring until the last 1/5 when stuff actually happened. I was getting bored of Bella trying to find another way to describe Edward's beauty for the 300th time. I think stuff started to happen because Stephanie Meyer ran out of 1-2 syllable words in the thesaurus and decided to make a plot.

Second, there were two things Stephanie wrote about her main characters that never made sense. (1) Bella is really unique. We know this because Bella repeatedly says she is unique and different, and to be crazy-different all you have to do is read Jane Austen and listen to Debussy. (This was even before the vampire stuff.) By this definition I must have been an alien in High School because I listened to Rachmaninoff and read books.
OK, (2) Edward supposedly talks like he's from the turn of the century...again, because Bella says so even though HE NEVER SAYS ANYTHING THAT SOUNDS LIKE HE'S FROM 1918!!! Apparently Stephanie Meyer didn't want to actually research what people talked like in the early 1900's, so she just tells us he talks like this without having to go through the arduous task of writing it.

Third, Bella is a WUSS who takes love for infatuation. I'm sorry, but if people got married and stayed as obsessed about each other as Bella and Edward are, nothing would get done! You'll be too busy "smoldering" each other to remember to take out the garbage and feed the kids (especially if you're having vampire-sex all night long as they apparently do for 32 chapters in the last book.)

And fourth leads us to my biggest problem with New Moon, but is manifest in Twilight enough. It's that Edward is supposed to be perfect with a hint of "danger" AKA "bad boy," but in real life anyone who acts like he does is usually a narcissistic womanizer. I'm serious, when a guy has as much charm and good looks as Edward supposedly does, he's not going to be unaware of it and 95% of the time he's going to use it to get what he wants-and that often means manipulating women. And no, you won't be "the one" to change him.

OK, enough for now. Coming up at some point: Why the movie was better than the book and Jacob vs. Edward AKA a real man vs. an emo punk.

11 comments:

The Boob Nazi said...

I posted about it. Where was MY link, huh? Don't you love me?

Kristina P. said...

Oh, you know I love this.

And I'm sorry you guys were sick! I had no idea. Thanks for not passing gas on us. We appreciate it.

the letter Bee said...

I couldn't get through book 1.
Are you sick? I'm sick too. :(

The Former 786 said...

I am so proud. . .*sniff*. . .so proud. . .

Alison Wonderland said...

What are you talking about? What's this Twilight? Never heard of it.
Or something.

Doug Funny said...

Bravo! Bravo!

I have not read this book, but I trust your judgment as to its content. Quite frankly, I find it irritating that this kind of tripe passes for literature.

Your analysis of the Twilight series echoes my criticism of JK Rowling, who seems more interested in utilizing as many convoluted words as possible and painting pictures for the mind's eye than in telling a compelling, let alone believable, tale.

As long as authors keep passing on the notion that "love", which is really, as you say, infatuation, constitutes the only enduring and legitimate reason for relationships, we will continue to have the crisis of identity that has undermined marriage, destroyed the sanctity of the womb, and left children bereft of true parents, they being left in the legal guardianship of gamete donors who themselves never grew up. Furthermore, it encourages women to seek after womanizers for their dashing debonair smiles, forgetting that the Gastons of the world have always sought one thing only- their own aggrandizement. Meanwhile, Screwtape must be laughing as everyone is led away from persons with whom healthy and lasting relationships are possible.

Twilight belongs in the din of a dusty refuse container. At least the critics didn't give it rave reviews.

Kristina P. said...

Where have you been, my friend!

I thought of you last night. The Rock of Love Bus was on last night, and there was a Utah girl on! That is one classy show. And by classy, I mean whorish. I love it.

Kristina P. said...

Lobbie, come back! No posting from you sucks. Boo.

Amy said...

Glad I'm not the only one who isn't crazy about Edward.
By the way, I'm the Amy from Seriously, So Blessed. Thanks for the shout-out and the platonic "girl-crush." You crack me up.
Amy

Kestrel said...

Oh I think I love you.

*MARY* said...

Best. Twilight. Post. Ever.